Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Tyranny of beauty or why don't girls use make-up?


The second thing that jolted me when I opened the door (and which I know will incur many a mother’s wrath, but which I feel I must speak about) was the conspicuous and glaring lack of make-up on a significant percentage of the girls’ faces. I was stunned. The girls knew why they were there; there was no attempt at pretense on anyone’s part. The mandate of the event was to give them the opportunity to present themselves in the best possible light. Why weren’t they?

Let me tell you about this particular population of girls: They were between the ages of 21 and 24, and mostly seeking “learning boys.” (The organizers’ plan for the future is to hold additional events for other age groups and different categories of boys: learners/earners, professionals, working boys only, etc.) They were eidel, frum, sincere, intelligent, and committed to the learning ideal. But even the most temimasdika ben Torah is looking for a wife whom he finds attractive. Yes, spiritual beauty makes a woman’s eyes glow and casts a luminous sheen over her face; there is no beauty like a pure soul. Make-up, however, goes a long way in both correcting facial flaws and accentuating one’s assets, and if my cursory inspection was indeed accurate (and I apologize if the girls used such natural make-up that I simply couldn’t tell), barely any of these girls seemed to have made a huge effort to deck themselves out.

Since most of the young women at chasunas seem quite presentable, I couldn’t shake off my sense of disbelief as I looked around now. What were they thinking? How had their mothers allowed them to leave their homes with limp hair and unadorned faces? With just a little blush, eyeliner and lip-gloss, they could have gone from average to pretty. There are very few women who can’t use a little extra help. Even the most celebrated magazine models can look downright plain when stripped of all cosmetics, al achas kamah v’kamah girls who are not born with perfect features. So what was going on? Were they in denial about the qualities young men are seeking in future wives? Yes, it is somewhat disillusioning that men dedicated to full-time Torah learning possess what these girls might perceive are superficial values, but brass tacks: they want a spouse to whom they are attracted. The young men themselves might be too shy or ashamed to admit it, but their mothers won’t hesitate to ask what for some is the deal maker/deal breaker question, namely: “Is she pretty?”

8 comments :

  1. The whole Shidduch "Crisis" is nothing more than a self-inflicted and self-fulfilling prophecy. Orthodox Jews do not, in general, have a gender imbalance in the population. Those who can't find a Shidduch don't want to.

    And this article typifies one of the many, many problems in the Shidduch universe. Stop treating girls like Black slaves in early American history. They don't have to be on display. They don't need to be examined and fondled by prospective mothers-in-law as if they were slabs of meat.

    ReplyDelete
  2. >Yes, spiritual beauty makes a woman’s eyes glow and casts a luminous sheen over her face; there is no beauty like a pure soul.<

    I used to think that myself but I've seen plenty of shining-faced axe murderers and plenty of pasty-faced do-gooders to think that way anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  3. My take on this:

    https://pitputim.wordpress.com/2012/03/21/panacea-a-call-to-unmarried-girls-to-doll-up/

    ReplyDelete
  4. There is a problem. In orter to get a good shidduch , you must have money, good looks and yichus and even then it's extremely hard. I have two daughters looking and trying to find somebody normal is very hard. Don't minimize the problem.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I married about 16 months ago. My wife has no money, her father isn't Jewish and she's carrying a few extra pounds. If your daughters haven't found anyone, it's because there are totally unreasonable expectations on one or both sides. Or they haven't been looking long. I was 33 when I got married.

      Now, of course you might say my Shidduch isn't good, but I think just about anyone who knows me and/or my wife would disagree with that assessment.

      Delete
  5. Avi

    You are projecting yourself on everyone else. Just because such a shidduch works for you in no way means it would work for most guys out there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's not the point. All that is required to refute an assertion is a single counter-example. My sister made an excellent Shidduch (she introduced us), despite my wife seemingly lacking the qualities that Sam stated are required.

      Delete

ANONYMOUS COMMENTS WILL NOT BE POSTED!
please use either your real name or a pseudonym.